Sorority sweat shop discovered in PanHel Wing

by Julian Bukalski

A "we love you sister" paper sign sweatshop was discovered in Colman Hall’s Pan-Hellenic wing during spring break. "I just never thought it could happen here, right under our noses. I mean, no one has ever been in the PanHel wing, but this is unthinkable," exclaimed Dolores Losselyong, the Colman Hall front desk worker. Losselyong was performing her daily tasks on Tuesday when she noticed a disheveled little boy banging on the door of Lucinda’s restaurant. "The boy was hungry, he wanted an applejack sandwich," explained Losselyong. "I asked him where he was from. I tried to stop him, but he disappeared in the Panhellenic Wing." Dolores followed the boy. What she found was grisly and disturbing.

Approximately fifty women and children were cramped into a small, unventilated cinder block room, all tirelessly making signs reading: "Just want to say, your sisters love you every day!" and "Welcome Aboard! Sis, you are totally loved!" The room was stocked with industrial size tubes of glitter gel, puffy paint, and reams upon reams of construction paper.

Sorority advisor Timothy Gibson commented on the discovery. "The administration does not condone the use of sweatshop labor, however, the girls expressed interest in maximizing their sign output without compromising their GPAs. Making "we love you" signs takes a lot more time and energy than the girls have. We thought that if no one knew about it, no one would get hurt."

Tammy Shivleski of Outagamie County Social Services reported that the fifty women and children were indeed hurt. "The conditions were horrible. Apparently the women and children worked from five in the morning until midnight, when they were finally able to use the restroom. They were fed only scraps from Lucinda’s, mostly beer-battered pickles. Once an hour a sorority member would enter the room, crack a whip, and yell "work harder, my sisters need love!" Worst of all, five years of perpetual puffy paint inhalation left many of the women severely disoriented."

The discovery has Lawrence students feeling confused and anxious. One sophomore accurately summarized the general feeling on campus "I guess this means we have to protest."

#ID546 commented on her experience in the sweatshop: "I thought I was getting job with many benefits, but thing went... your sister loves you... the job was more time-consuming than I... don’t forget about the mixer with the Phi Delts... the job was not fun. I am glad to be free."

Shivleski added that the women and children would be transported to protective services until they would be relocated in a more pleasant environment.