Yuais Pierce "Nipple of Knowledge"

by Julian Bukalski

In a "Rash" activity gone horribly awry, members of the Yuai Community finally crossed the line. After years of piercing the campus sense of decency, the Yuais literally pierced the top of Main Hall, Lawrence’s "nipple of knowledge." Yuai Czar Josh Three (a.k.a. "III") explained, "Lawrence has always been decades behind other schools in the progressive arts. What better way to push old Larry through the Freudian adolescent rebellion stage than to pierce his nipple?" With the help of ORC (paid in hacky sacks), the Yuais created a twenty-foot chicken wire earring, covered it in aluminum foil, and scaled Main Hall in the dark to attach the nipple ring. "It’s what we call a 6,420-gauge pierce," said Yuai piercing expert Eric Nelsen, "and suitable for a first-time piercer like Main Hall."

Some Lawrence professors are outraged with the discovery. "I take leave for only one term," said Professor Chaney, "and look what becomes of my office! Who painted it red?" Winston Black, another holey Yuai, assured the disgruntled professors, especially those of the upper floors, "The surrounding redness, swelling, irritation and bleeding will go away in six to twelve weeks."

Other professors are pleased. Professor of Government, Chong-Do Hah, offered a chuckle. "You see, they kicked me out of Main Hall, so now I am in this ugly Briggs Hall. In any event, I now have two offices to laugh in."

President Richard Warch assumed a surprisingly tolerant and fatherly position on the piercing. "Lawrence has new science and social science halls, and we will be building a new student union. I had a feeling that Main Hall was feeling a little left out. This was a cry for attention, and I plan to respond. All we have left to decide is–fuschia or teal?"