Main Hall Faculty goes on leadership retreat

During spring break, most Lawrentians found time to catch up on episodes of "Welcome Back Kotter" and expose themselves to dangerous UV radiation. Several members of the Main Hall faculty, however, were hard at work bonding and improving their group leadership skills. The site for 1999’s "Love, Liberal Arts, and Personal Growth" retreat was a scenic KOA Campground outside of Racine.

Dean of Faculty Brian Rosenberg announced in a statement released last week that "With the addition of Briggs Hall and the ongoing construction of the new natural science building, some felt the humanities were suffering from lack of morale, seen in interdepartmental conflict and general malaise so extreme they were not even italicizing French words. This was an attempt to address that problem." Rosenberg cited the Main Hall faculty’s recent loss in the Faculty tug-of-war contest to the Music Education faculty as a new low in pride, and the most immediate impetus for his decision.

To the chagrin of Wojciech Kotas, only tenured professors were eligible for the weekend. Attendees included Bill Boardman of Philosophy, Peter Fritzell, Mark Dintenfass, and Bertrand Goldgar of English; Mike Hittle and Paul Cohen of the History Department. Also in attendance were James Dana and Corey Azzi of Economics, who were allowed to participate only after conceding that Economics was not the queen of the social sciences and had no more validity than psychology. In order to attend, Minoo Adenwalla and Larry Longley of the Government Department had to stow away in the trunk of Professor Goldgar’s subcompact sedan.

Ed Kern of the History Department was scheduled to attend, but was stranded for the weekend in Milwaukee. Other notable absences included John Dreher of Philosophy, who made sure to avoid contact with "the bad guys[the English Department]."

Professor Goldgar likened his experience to the kind of change in perspective described by Thomas Kuhn in his seminal work "The Structure of Scientific Revolutions." Said Goldgar, "When I put on the blindfold for the trust fall exercise, I entered a period of crisis. However, the protective hands which kept me from falling imparted upon me a new and better way of explaining things, and I subsequently adopted a new conceptual framework, that is, a new paradigm."

Professor Azzi’s favorite part of the trip was a project to repaint the camp’s business office, named after British Economist John Maynard Keynes.

Most affected by the three-day leadership retreat was Professor Fritzell, who reportedly "found himself."

An altercation was narrowly averted during the human knot exercise when Professor Adenwalla was unable to extricate himself from the knot. "My arms are not made of rubber, Mr. Longley! Do you follow? And watch where you’re putting your hand, okay?"

Negative reaction to the trip was "suppressed" to the greatest extent possible, and thus kept to a minimum. The only injury was a small head fracture suffered by Professor Dintenfass when Professor Boardman took his lollipop and beat him on the head with a stick. Speaking under condition that his name not be used, Professor Hittle pondered whether he would rather "do the climbing tower again or read Vico’s "The New Science."

Rosenberg admitted after heavy interrogation that the retreat was timed to make sure that hunting enthusiasts (gun nuts) Azzi, Fritzell, and Hittle were off campus during Jimmy Carter’s visit.