Carter to Establish Lasting Peace in Wriston

by Julian Bukalski

Dean of the Faculty Brian Rosenberg announced today that Lawrence will be flying in former United States President Jimmy Carter in an attempt to mend the many rifts which have torn the art department asunder. Carter will arrive today and immediately begin talks and team building activities among the members of the art faculty.

The move comes as no surprise to those close to the department or to anyone who has even walked by Wriston recently, for that matter. While many felt that the department would be able to work out their own differences, recent events have shattered such optimism. "That whole stinkbomb thing was just over the line," said Rosenberg.

The announcement comes after weeks of speculation about what action the administration would take to defuse the increasingly tense situation in Wriston. Speculations ranged from the administration simply ignoring the problem to employing the services of Tom DeLuca, hypnotist extraordinaire. In recent days the most popular theory has been the staging of an all-out grudge match, the winner of which would be able to rebuild the department as he or she saw fit. The possibility of this was so strong that local bookies had begun taking bets on the fight, with Professor Michael T. Orr the odds-on favorite.

While it seems unlikely that Carter will choose this mode of conflict- resolution, he declined to outline his plan in detail, citing the need for secrecy. However, he hinted that talks might begin with some ice-breaker activities such as 'Scruples,' before breaking into intense "encounter groups" in which the faculty would be forced to talk to one another.

Both Rosenberg and Carter declined to discuss the terms of Carter’s visit to Lawrence. However, most students and faculty assume that Carter’s reward will be similar to that granted to Richard Holbrooke, who received an honorary doctorate in return for his efforts with the English Department.

Student reaction has been swift and anonymous. Over thirty students agreed to express their strong opinions once anonymity was guaranteed. "I am furious that we are not being made a part of this process," said one unnamed student anonymously. "We absolutely must be intimately involved with every working of the department, no matter how minute," said someone else.

Asked whether the students really have anything significant to add to the process, one student responded, "Definitely. We built that outhouse, didnt we? I think that piece is an excellent example of the kind of thoughtful commentary that students can add to the discourse."

The art world seems to agree. Recently, the Solomon R. Guggenheim Museum purchased the sculpture, titled "Untitled," for an estimated $7 million. A representative of the anonymous group who created the piece stated that they were planning to use the money to "hire our own damn art faculty."

Asked how he planned to handle the student faction, Carter replied that he only intended to listen if the speakers would identify themselves. However, he once again emphasized that his focus was going to be on working with the faculty. He stated, "Mostly, they just need to learn to play nice."