Printed from: http://www.sss.uq.edu.au/index.html?page=1327&pid=1327
© 2003 The University of Queensland, Brisbane Australia
Last updated: 21 October 2004
Material in this page was stimulated by an article by C.J. Vickio in The Journal of Counselling & Development. May/June 1990; Vol 68, pp 575 - 577.
(Saying Goodbye)
Goodbye - I'll send you a card - Bon voyage - We must keep in touch - See you later - Until we meet again.
Goodbye" is actually the last stage of a process which begins when you become aware that something or someone in your life is about to disappear - for a short time or forever, who can ever know?
Natural Transitions
There are times in our lives when a simple goodbye does not adequately reflect what is going on. These may be going to school for the first time, moving on from primary school to high school, going to boarding school, becoming a teenager, graduating from high school, leaving home, leaving college, moving house, graduating from university, moving away, changing careers, going overseas ...
Losses
With change comes both loss and opportunity. More often we focus on the opportunities which change presents and neglect to acknowledge the loss. For instance, graduating from university, moving out of college or leaving a shared house may mark the beginning of a new, exciting phase of life but they can also mean loss of a support network, a routine, a sense of youth and a familiar environment. A person's identity can also be lost.
When transitions occur they give us the opportunity to say "hello" to a new phase of life as well as "goodbye" to the old. They are times in which it is appropriate not only to look ahead but also to look back, acknowledging to ourselves and to others that what we are leaving will be missed.
Why Mark the Transition?
A book or a movie with a good ending leaves us feeling satisfied. There is resolution and closure. Everything is as it should be. A ritual goodbye can heighten our positive feelings about the phases of our life that are coming to an end. This prepares us to continue on.
A ritual can reduce later feelings of disorientation and disappointment and increase feelings of power, control and predictability. Saying goodbye allows for a period of review and assessment; it gives us the chance to step back, take stock and get a broader perspective on what different activities and relationships have meant to us. By doing so we can move on knowing and have confidence of linking the future with the past.
How Do We Leave?
Dealing with loss is very personal and there is no correct way for it to be
done. But the following give some ideas of how to, and how not to, say goodbye:
Determine ways to make your transition gradual. Plan for your departure weeks
ahead by acknowledging that it is about to become a reality. Think about what
it will mean to leave behind what you now have. What memories will you take
with you?
Think back over the events of the past. Reflect, review, reminisce. Look at the time you have just spent from a broad perspective. Where does it fit in to your growth and development. Collect artefacts or memorabilia which you can take with you to remind you of the time.
Share with others your thoughts and feelings. You may never see them again. The last contact may be bittersweet - it hurts but can leave you and those around you with special feelings about what has just passed.
Try to be positive both about what you are leaving behind and what you are going to.
Identify the areas of your life that will remain stable - areas of continuity that connect your life. See if you can identify the parts of you that have changed because of your experiences in this phase of your life. Make plans for future contact, such as reunions.
Plan a ritual which allows expression of all your feelings about the transition:
A Last Supper party; a farewell barbecue, a presentation, a speech, a poem,
a card giving ...
Celebrate the transition but do not forget to acknowledge the loss.
How Not To Deal With Departure And Loss
Deny the loss. By focussing on the future and failing to acknowledge the impact
of the past you leave yourself open to waking up one day to suddenly realise
what you have lost after you have lost it.
Glamorise your experience. Do not idealise this phase of your life. Acknowledge the good times and the bad times. If you over glamorise the past, it becomes an incredibly hard act to follow and the future looks grim indeed.
Denigrate your activities and your relationships. Just as fatal as glamorising the past is to mentally destroy it or undervalue it. If you tell yourself you have got nothing to lose, you avoid the pain of loss but you also lose the lessons and growth which is possible if we honestly remember the past. You lose the chance of feeling good about your life's experiences.
Distract yourself from thinking about the departure. Take the time to reflect on and value what you have just been through.
Detach yourself abruptly from your activities and relationships. It prevents
you from gaining a feeling of closure or a sense of resolution to the phase
of your life that you are leaving. Other people feel hurt and abandoned.
Take the time to acknowledge endings in your life and make the most of your
departures.
Take the time to say goodbye.